Ten years ago, I put a request out as Estelle, a tender if you will. I wanted to explore my sexuality, and the industry just wasn’t cutting it. Where my clients wanted connection and companionship, I wanted athleticism, sport and vigor. I wanted to test and find my sexual boundaries. Unfortunately, the average client couldn’t accommodate my perverse curiosities, even if they were willing, there was always something lacking: physical capabilities, social grace, experience, trust, reliability or skill. I wanted to discover what kind of submissive I was in the bedroom, if only I had the right someone to push me safely to my limits.
At 22-years old, I lucked out when I put out my tender. I found some good eggs, people at my wavelength, who were eager to facilitate my sexual fantasies and explore my submissive side with me. As they were on a journey of self-discovery themselves, it worked out well. It was a paid arrangement, but one vastly different to the one I offered as Estelle. Our time together was much more mutual, less restrictive, more open-ended, less about money, more about trust. The catch was that I needed rapport, I wanted assurances and that I was safe even if I was physically and emotionally vulnerable or compromised. But most importantly, my satisfaction came first. Typically, when I’m playing the role of Estelle, my satisfaction comes secondary. I considered every prospective person to my discretion: did I like them? Did they meet my physical criteria? Did I get along with them? Were they trustworthy?
In my success, I thought I discovered all that I was interested in knowing about with myself and my submissive side, with no stone left unturned, until very recently. I’m not the type to just sit and wonder about things, I tend to get out there and find answers. I live to experience, I don’t deny myself anything. I wanted to know what it felt like to be tied, crushed, suffocated, wrapped, bound, stretched, pressed, slapped, spat, forced, I wanted to know how much physical sensation I could take before I had enough. I wanted to test my strength, resilience, endurance and I wanted to lose control. I did exactly that.
At 32-years old, my sexual curiosity has peaked once again, much to my own surprise. I’m curious to learn why and to test myself another time. I’ll test my luck again and put a tender to connect me to like-minded people who are interested in the same experiences as I am. I have two major sexual dynamics I want to explore – if only I can find the right person. Maybe that person is you.
I’ll share these thrill-seeking ideas to help you identify if it’s something you’re capable and interested in facilitating with me. This isn’t a service I offer to just anyone, there are criterias I measure every candidate to and a rapport that must be established. If you would like to start a conversation with me about pursuing one of these agreements, you can contact me at 0421 462 912.
A stroke of submission
I enjoyed my time as a submissive as it was physically challenging – there’s not many people who can keep up with me in the bedroom. When it comes to a man’s orgasm, I couldn’t care less, but because I’m multi-orgasmic, I do want someone capable of getting as many out of me as physically possible. For me, submission is a journey through surrender, release and vulnerability. As someone who had to be hard and tough, who was socialised more to be a boy than a girl, who views sex as a competition, there are many layers I can peel back and uncover about my own sexuality. It’s one of the few times and spaces where I can really let go and get out of my mind. I like being forced into my body, I spend too much time in my head.
For me to submit, I need that someone who is:
- Confident and self-assured, but not cocky or obnoxious
- Curious and attentive
- As invested in my pleasure as they are their own
- A good listener
- Effective communicator
- Able to take on and incorporate feedback
- Able to balance out any shortcomings. For example, if you lack physical prowess, then you need to up your psychological game
- Physically fit, with the endurance, stamina, libido to go several rounds
- Experience not vital but preferred. Willingness to self-educate and learn
- A hard dick, preferably on the larger side
- Respectful and reliable, not too serious
- Understanding, accommodating and kind
- Willing to put in the time and effort to build trust
- Can be female or male, as long as you’re embodying that dom energy.
Although I’ve tried most things, I wouldn’t mind trying the things I like again. BDSM usually doesn’t have a sexual component to it, like intercourse or kissing, but I’m sensation seeking and these activities are important to me and I want them incorporated into the session. I don’t want a strictly BDSM agreement, I want a sexual component to it, with the inclusion of aftercare and tenderness. Generally speaking, I don’t like pain during sex, but I can endure more physical stimulation than the average person. In a way, I want a wide stroke of activities, ranging from submission to intimacy.
Things I would like incorporated into most sessions include:
- Rough/primal sex including anal
- Edge play
- Impact play
- Psychological dom/sub play
- Orgasm torture
- Pussy/cock worship
- Sensation play
- Squirting
Things I would like to try again, but require a build up of trust:
- Consensual non-consensual
- Bondage, pressure, restriction, restraint play
- Breath play
- Humiliation play
- Mummification
If this sounds like you, and if the activities and interests align, then contact me about a potential dom/sub agreement. Please don’t contact me unless you fit the criteria, I will be asking you to demonstrate how you fit into the criteria.
I’m curious to learn what others hope to achieve or experience in these dynamics, and would like to hear more about what you want so the agreement is mutually pleasurable. Depending on how well we get on, and how aligned our goals are, will determine the rate for this agreement.
Entering my villain era as a domme
I can see why I like submission, after all I have a lot of responsibilities, and being submissive is a role reversal, it’s freeing. Domming, on the other hand, is out of character for me. The thought of taking responsibility for someone else’s sexual experience sounds like work to me, and the idea of hurting someone is not appealing. I don’t get pleasure in watching other people suffer, I don’t feel the need to control anyone either. I feel guilt at the thought of controlling another, what if I can’t please them?
While I’m not dominant in the bedroom, I do have a dominant personality, and in life, there’s nothing that’s denied to me. Except most recently when things in my life didn’t go according to plan. I didn’t have a lot of control to exercise and I felt disempowered by the events I experienced. I internalised my feelings and felt myself cave silently within. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. For some reason, my mind started fantasising about specific sexual activities where I was in a dominant position. Why? I asked myself. I think because sex is my ballgame, it’s where I feel safest, and therefore it made sense that my brain went there seeking comfort. Because I felt I didn’t have control or power over my situation, my mind started fantasing about scenarios where it did, in the setting it feels most comfortable in.
It was interesting, normally I don’t like hurting people, but since feeling disempowered, I’ve felt the desire to externalise my feelings and let it out onto others. Why should I suffer when I haven’t done anything wrong? Why am I always punished for doing the right thing? You should suffer instead, and I felt myself drawn towards wanting to humiliate and hurt others. To great extremes I fantasize about all the ways I can render someone hopeless, helpless, begging for mercy.
I tested my dom side a bit, hoping to get it out of my system. But it hasn’t gone away, there’s something that’s awoken, a burning desire that I need to be unleashed in a safe setting. I don’t have a lot of experience with domming, but I’ve listed the kinds of things I’ve been fantasising about. The best bit about exploring my dom side is that I can be mean and demeaning to others, in fact, it comes naturally. I’ve had to adjust my behaviour to fit in with society over the years, to be more palatable and likable. I am very interested in what happens when I am allowed to express my dommy side with no shame or restraint, instead of suppressing her to appease others. I want to meet the women I’ve hidden away a long time ago.
- Spitting
- Slapping
- Punishment
- Rough play
- Humiliation play
- Psychological dom/sub play
- Impact play
- Sensation play
- Consensual non-consensual
- Bondage, pressure, restriction, restraint play
- Breath play
- Orgasm denial
- Edge play
- Findom
- Complete control and monitoring of a subs life and activities
Another reason why I want to explore my domme side is because I’m usually scared of responsibility. Responsibility has been thrusted upon me since a young age, and I never asked for it. Most recently, with my new role as Managing Director of Bigger Sister Channel, I have found myself excelling as a leader. In fact, I’m a really good leader when I want to be.
I want to build trust within myself that I am competent and capable of leading others. When I think of taking complete control of another’s life, I feel I have an opportunity to test my leadership on a miniscule, safer scale. By being responsible for the life of my sub, I can afford to make mistakes, whereas with Bigger Sister Channel, the thought of letting my community down petrifies me. Instead of being paralysed into fear, I want to see the outcome when I have complete control. I want to learn that responsibility and control can sometimes be a good thing, a wanted thing, an act of compassion. I want to prove to myself that I can do this, I want to demonstrate that I have good judgment. I am generally accepting and accommodating of others, because I have been punished for being different my whole life, and I don’t want to put others through what I’ve been through. But it’s not that simple, it’s not this or that, sometimes being too accommodating means I create my own hell, sometimes it means I get shit versions of people because they know they can get away with it. I want to feel more confident being demanding and self-assured, and to craft my own heaven, to build it with my bare hands.
Taking on a domme role will teach me boundaries and responsibility, it will coax out the bossy part of me I’ve spent so long suppressing. For me to do this, I need to find the right sub.
The right sub should:
- Know themselves well enough to understand why they’re a sub
- Accommodating, eager to please
- Able to take responsibility when needed, obedient
- Curious, understanding and patient, wants me to learn
- As invested in exploring my domme side as they are expanding their sub side
- Effective communicator, dynamic, contributes equally to conversation
- Reliable narrator and self-reflective, able to communicate their feelings and thoughts clearly
- Willing to try new things, willing to be paced outside their comfort zone
- Experience not vital but preferred. Willingness to self-educate and learn.
- Respectful and reliable
- Willing to put in the time and effort to build trust
- Able to switch out of sub mode instantaneously, as needed
- No babies or placid receivers
- Can be female or male, as long as you’re embodying that sub energy
I would be interested in learning if there are any ‘switches’ out there who could fall into both of these criterias fairly naturally. Of course, that’s not required, but I would like lots of feedback through the learning process to better understand the experience, and that insider knowledge could be valuable.
But we’ll see. If any of this resonates with you, please approach me with an introduction, how you fit into the criteria’s and which of these dynamics you feel drawn towards. My number is 0421462912.
Have a good week!
Estelle