Buy me a gift??
Will you buy me a gift as a token of your appreciation for me? Maybe you like my writing, maybe you admire my activism, maybe you think I’m beautiful or maybe I’ve made you smile a few times. Either way I am opening myself to accepting gifts for the first time in my 12 years career. I have never had a wishlist and I’ve never asked for anything from most people. There’s a reason for that, which I will get into, but for now I want to talk about my most wanted five gifts.
1. A minimum 2 hour submission session with Ayla Reid. Ayla is a professional dominatrix and I’ve always admired her work. I’ve been wanting to book in a session with another sex worker for a while, but I get cold feet at the thought of indulging myself. But with your help, hopefully, I can relax and receive. You can book a session for me with Ayla here.
2. Any article of clothing from the House of CB. I only discovered the website this week and I already feel like I need to buy half the outfits.
3. Look, I’m not trying to emotionally manipulate you, but I’m just letting you know I haven’t changed my motorcycle helmet in over 10 years, I’ve dropped it numerous times and I’ll probably die if I fall before I get it replaced.
4. I’m getting slightly paranoid that I’m drinking too much tap water so I want a filtration system under my sink. Let a woman drink water with peace of mind.
5. A donation to Red Files always goes appreciated, it’s an organisation I helped found but it remains unfunded and relies entirely on donations.
If you wanted to do any of these things for me, it would mean the world. You can find my wishlist here, all you need to do is purchase the gift and have it posted to:
Parcel Locker 10156 55181
31 Melville Road Brunswick West VIC 3055
In regards to never asking for help, I do believe this is a shortcoming that prevents me from receiving abundance and that it is driven by pride, distrust and fear.
When I say pride, I mean I never ask for handouts or exceptions, even if I qualify for them or need them. I have an expectation that I must rise above and beyond any circumstance that life throws at me. Life has hardened me and I sometimes feel I’m no longer a person, but an effigy of myself, one where people throw coins at in hopes of good luck or good fortune. There’s no more please and thank yous, only the concept that I must pull myself up by the bootstraps. This mindset is isolating and unhealthy.
When I say distrust, I’m referring to evidence in the past where people have used gifts as a manipulation tool to win my favour. When I was growing up resources were scarce, and I believed scarcity to be a fact of life, that there was never an abundance of food or money. I stopped eating when I was a child, feeling guilty whenever I took from the small family bounty, to the point where I was malnourished. Fortunately, my mother is a big feeder and when she realised what was happening, she dedicated years to get me back on track. It wasn’t anorexia or bulimia, it wasn’t an issue with my self-esteem, but I felt guilty receiving when I knew it came from a scarce place. This guilty mindset prevents me from asking or accepting.
Finally, there’s fear. I am afraid that by asking, receiving or accepting, I’m allowing someone to have power over me – that I am now in debt to this person. They have more power than me as soon as I acknowledge they have something that they’re giving to me. This one’s a bit of a mish-mash of the earlier two and an unfortunate consequence of just not having much abundance to begin with and having to fight real hard for very little at a young age.
There’s also the fear of rejection, that I might open myself up for once and be deemed ‘not worthy enough’ and in a lot of ways, I’d rather be alone than rejected. Sometimes it’s easier to help yourself than to ask for help and be told no. But this is also an unhealthy and a warped point of view, gifts are not to be expected, they’re simply given when one can give and I need to trust that people will give when it’s healthy for them to do so, and that has nothing to do with my worthiness.
One of the steps of improving myself, my mindset and these flaws is to make active measures to combat the things that are limiting me. And so, even though it makes me uncomfortable, I am asking and willing to receive any gifts for Valentines day.
This is me swallowing my pride, curbing my fears and withholding my distrust for others by being open to receiving and accepting. You are under no obligation to give.
I have also added my digital wallets below.
Thank you for reading,
Estelle Lucas xx